Some Photos

A view from a river -unfortunately I forget its name despite I asked so many times :(- on the way to dorm.


A view from my window in university. Angle type white graves...

Beginning via Bismillah

As it is understood from new title that I am now in Sarajevo. Yeees, I continue my hicra (hegira). It did not pass so much since I came here, just I have been inside this new experience since almost 1 month. I was asking by meyself so many times -as some other people also asked- why I am here now and for what! They were especially at the beginning but it was enough to get hard times. Actually, maybe as a first time in my life that I was totally determined about where to live, where to be inside. Because I was born in Manisa where I did not decide exactly or I went to Sweden which came via total chance. But this time, this time should be different because I decided to be here according to what I have experienced, what I have thought and who I have became. Hence, I was expecting that it should be different and even easy. But it was NOT! At least at the very beginning. What I mean by "different"? I think I should come here and thought and of course felt that "ok, it is exactly the place where I wanna be, where I wanna spend all my time inside it". Unfotunately, I had no such kind of sharp feeling or thoughts. Maybe I had even no feeling at all. Just I was here, me myself. 16 years after the big war, I was here. The huge Igman mountain was standing and surrounding the city, the Bosnian people, half destroyed-half renovated buildings, angel type white graves..., everything was also here, around me. I though that, this time, I had good answers to my asking part inside me about the reasons of being here. Then suddenly I did not wanna try to make legitimation because I noticed that the thinking was totally wrong from the very beginning. Why should a place on this earth give me a feeling that it is the rigth place to get me inside it? No need at all! Maybe there is no place in this world where I can feel totally belong to it. Then what is the meaning of the existence of heaven? Maybe heaven will be this place where I need, where I miss. I believe at least. And I believe, everyone can get their own expectations via being inside their own heavens like in the movie called "What Dreams May Come". Maybe this is also the meaning to be on the road, I mean to notice that there is no place to go but heaven. Maybe the trip itself is the conclusion of it. It made me more satisfied rather than poor legitimacy efforts. And I felt something strange saying me; "you are here after so many things which means your life function gives this output according to your inputs. (Something like this: F(x)=y where x is what you have been gathered until here in terms of everything and y is where you are now). So easy! And it was totally not immune from what you have done, what you have demanded and what you have expected. It is also known that there is no way where you will be in the future. But just now you are here and it is not bad at all." Then I totally felt that I should be here now, I do not know exactly why but feel like that. Then I got some signs -according to me- which helped me to stay here easily. Everybody is so helpful to me here, I have my own room in dormitory but also could get nice friends from the girls here, and maybe the most important part, I suddenly became a teacher! After so long aggregation period in terms of learning, I have chance to share them. I have also a chance to be a teacher how I wanted to be; not so hierarchical, being close to them, helping them, learning from them... I do not mind that I am giving statistics course which can be boring for so many students, I can find a way to get contact with them. I can not describe how a nice feeling it is! Maybe I am so idealistic, I do not know, but what is the problem with it? Nothing! Now after almost 1 month experience, I have learned so many places inside the city, I have learned how to say 1 bread -it is quite similar to Russian actually - and I started to get used to live. There is almost nothing that i can complain about. Then there is only one thing for me to do, just say thanks to God!

...

İsveç'e gidişimden 1,5 sene sonra kendimi bir anda yeniden bavulumla bir başka ülkenin sınırları içerisinde buldum. Bu defaki istikamet Saraybosna idi. Aslında belki de ilk defa olmak üzere uzun düşünceler neticesinde bizatihi tarafımdan kati şekilde verilmiş bir karar olsa da buraya gelmiş olmak, zor oldu. Beklemiyordum ama zor oldu yine. Özellikle de başlangıçta. "Nefret ediyorum"... "Nefret ediyorum ki bir yerlere ilk adımımı attığımda, hıh işte burası beni bundan sonra içinde barındıracak olan, nicedir eksikliğini hissettiğim mekansal boşluğu dolduracak olan yer, diyemiyorum bir türlü." Bu defa başka olacak diye düşünüyordum halbuki ama... Ama sonra başka bir şey fark ettim. Neden öyle olmak zorunda olsun ki idi? Bu belki de bu dünyada doldurulamayacak bir boşluk. Zaten öte tarafın anlamlılık kazanması da bir bakıma bu yüzden değil mi, yani herkesin içindeki mekansal boşluğa herkese özel cennetsel çözümler!!! (İşin cehennem tarafına şimdilik geçmeyelim isterseniz). Şimdi iyiyim elhamd. Kendi kendime "rasyonel" meşrulaştırıcılar buldum diye değil ama aksine şu yukarıdaki çıkarımı yaptım diye içim rahat. Ve tabi bazı yardımcı faktörler hasebiyle tabi. Kaldığım yerde rahatım, çevremdeki insanlar bana çok yarıdmcı, okulda birden öğretmen olarak buluverdim kendimi, şehrin güzelliklerini aralayabiliyorum zaman zaman da olsa vs. vs. İlerisi için kati olarak planlar yapmanın alemi değil belki de. Ama yoğun olarak hissettiğim bir şey var ki şu an burda olmak vakti!

...
Would like to put some pictures from Sarajevo but unfotunately I could not manage now, hope it is not because of my "high" technical capabilities but just from blogger itself! So, for the next time hopefully!

Selam

How a nice feeling to be able to write again!